Without saying goodbye- a letter to my Mamatherapist

“I’ve been hesitating whether to tell you this news or not for a while.” My therapist said to me.

My muscles shook and my heart started pounding.

In only a few seconds, my mind rapidly conjured possibilities and questions.

“I’m going to quit my job here in this hospital at the end of August” she said.

“What? Why?” I asked. I couldn’t believe what I’ve just heard.

Was she sick of me? Had I done something wrong? Was there any problem with me?

She had mentioned the reason why she left which is not related to me, but her decision still struck me as a sudden.

I kept shaking my head, I wasn’t ready to know this news at all.

“Why?” I asked again, as I already knew it a pointless question.

“We’ve made a lot of progress together…….” she replied.

I was extremely upset and was on the edge of breaking down.

I didn’t know if I could make progress without her, and what matters to me the most is that I hate saying goodbye, I cannot bear people leaving me.

I was still processing the tough situation and certain issues, though.

I sighed and looked away from her eyes. Then I started tapping my shoes on the floor and looking around the room, trying to hide my tears.

“Are you okay? Is there anything else you want to say?”

I shook my head.

“I’m sorry.” she said.

That was it. She tapped me on my back and left my room.

I counted the steps she took.

Without saying goodbye.

I burst out crying, sitting alone on my bed in the ward’s room.

 

I still can’t handle ending our relationship till now.

She’s so considerate, mother-like(that’s why I always call her mamatherapist) and most important: she gives me the feeling of secure, warmness and safety.

 

But I believed therapy was a lifelong journey.

So my journey continued, even though it’s tough.

 

Dear my mamatherapist, I don’t know if you’ll read this someday, but I want you to know that I am eternally grateful for everything you teach to inspire me and wholeheartedly appreciate all the precious times we spend together, for making me get through e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y.

How can I ever thank you enough?

 

 

When you lose someone who you wholly rely on, it hits you. All the chances you didn’t take and all the things you didn’t say.

Because the truth is, you think you have forever, but you don’t, you never do.

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